How to Throw an Orgy Pt. 2

In my last post, I covered the reasons why you might want to consider hosting a sex party (it's awesome and you don't have to worry about scoring an invite to someone else's party), and some pre-party considerations (make sure you already are comfortable throwing a party, and find an appropriate space). In this post I'm going to talk about getting set up to find attendees to your party. Because if you're reading this post, I'm assuming you don't already have a bunch of pals you like to have over to eat canapés and fuck. So let's start at the beginning.

Do you have a long term partner/s?

Are you Hugh Hefner or Elon Musk or Diddy or Epstein (not all the same, but you get the idea)? They are creepy and untrustworthy and variably pathetic, fascist and/or criminal. But because they have so much goddamn money people will go to their disgusting dangerous parties, even though we all know they are awful.

Glenn Francis took this picture of the Playboy Mansion so I didn't have to...

But you're not them. Thank God. And also, you're going to need to prove that you're a safe and classy person through the use of other means than money and yachts and mansions. You're going to need something much more valuable and much more available. You're going to need social capital.

Basically, it helps to have a spouse, partner, or long term polycule, or long-term-best friend with benefits, or even group of super cool friends. Because the fact that someone has been willing to put up with you for years just makes it that much less likely that you'll turnout to be a dangerous asshole. You can definitely throw and attend sex parties as single person, but if you want to develop close sexy friendships, well, it helps to be good at developing a relationship in the first place.

So... I guess what I'm saying is orgy dating starts with regular dating. Find someone who likes, you, hang around with them for a while, and then be like, "listen I'm not saying this was a 3-month, or 30-year long game to get you to this point... but .... do you want to throw an orgy?"

Don't JUST fuck your friends

Most people who end up in group sex spaces have often had a few of what I like to call "gateway threesomes" along the way. A gateway threesome is that night during which, after a period of build up, you accidentally-on-purpose have to many drinks with your best friend AND your boyfriend. Or your boyfriend AND his best friend. Or two friends. Or half your pickup basketball team, or a quarter of your weekly knitting club or whatever. The basic idea is that somehow, often without much pre-negotiation, you end up having sex with someone who was previously in the "friend" category.

I just feel like this was awkward the next morning. Photo Credit: Kikos

Now if you're lucky, it all goes sexy-hunky-dory, and that handsome third wheel is, as we speak, currently reading over your shoulder and peeling grapes for the orgy. However, more often than not these sorts of threesomes can end up being regrettable for one if not many of the individuals involved. When you slide into this sort of thing accidentally, it can result in a lot of hurt feelings. This is largely because this sort of interlude tends to lack the explicit conversations about consent, and preexisting assumptions about the framing of the relationship that help to safeguard that interaction.

So, I'm not saying don't fuck your friends. I love fucking my friends. What I'm saying is, unless your friend is already the sort of person who is motivated to access group sex, fucking your friends is, in my experience, unlikely to net you attendees to your groups sex party (and sometimes can lose you a friend). However, it's probably better to source your orgy friends from a group of people going around advertising their interest in group sex.

In the olden days....

By which I mean until 10 or 15 years ago....you mostly just had swingers clubs and message boards (or newspapers! or... sex telegraph. Snail mail! Cave paintings! I'll stop). I'm not going to go much into the pre-internet ways of finding fellow orgiasts right now (although many still exist today). Suffice it to say that people lucky or motivated enough have always found a way to have group sex. Even when it was difficult, exclusive, dangerous, or expensive. Because group sex is as old as we are. Luckily, you don't have to do any of that. You have, so to speak, a luscious spread of your personal locally sourced perverts available at all times, in your pocket. Welcome to the wild, and sometimes buggy, wide green expanse of FEELD.

Or, you could try this...

FEELD

We love it, we hate it, we'll keep using it because there's nothing else like it. Feeld is a dating app for ethically non-monogamous people. Unethically non-mongamous people are called cheaters, and they are discouraged, if not absent, from the app. Feeld bills itself as "The Dating App for Open-Minded Individuals." I'm linking to them above but they aren't paying me for this. Too bad. Anyway. The great thing about an app like Feeld is that while not everyone is going to come to your orgy, there are very few people who will be shocked to be invited to it.

Some of you have already downloaded the app, and are already wading through pages of sunny smiling sluts. Come back to me at the end of this section. For any Gen X or Boomer stragglers, the sort who been married or monastic for 25 years and are not sure what Tinder is, allow me:

1. Download FEELD onto your device, and go through the setup process. When they ask you for a name, you can call yourself anything. Maybe just your first name, or another name you like? You wouldn't believe how many people mess up this simple step by naming themselves PUSSYDESTROYER, GIRTH VADER, ILL FILL THIS OUT LATER or something worse. Be normal please.

2. Put up some FACE pictures. Pictures with your FACE in them. I repeat. Your. Face. In. Them. If you're a schoolteacher in red state where they have nothing better to do that aggressively slut-shame our most valuable citizens, I'll let you off the hook for this (also, thank you for your service, you're a goddamn hero to those kids, bless you). Everyone else, get over yourself. If someone else is on this app, it means they also have a dirty mind. Game recognize game. And it's 2024. Isn't shame dead? Where were we... You're going to host a party. You're going to show your face, and you need people to trust you. So, get those sexy face pics up. and some sexy body pics. And some normal pics of you doing a normal things, like climbing Everest, or petting a chicken, or eating an empanada, or whatever, so they know you're not a psycho.

3. Add some tags that work for you. I'd add "group" and "ENM" at minimum (I'm taking you at your word that you are in fact considering ETHICAL non-monogamy. If not, I won't be held liable, and my official advice is that you delete the app and start with "Hey honey... so, I've been listening to this podcast. Want to listen to it with me?"). Put in some hobbies. Make it your own.

4. Link your partners. This is my favorite thing about FEELD. The built-in presumption that there are multiple partners in the picture. Add your spouse, your best friend, your fuck buddy. Or no one at all. But adding people is good. It helps to show you as imbedded in a community, not just a lone wolf. No one wants to go to an orgy run by a wolf (sidebar: also please don't put that "a gentleman is a patient wolf" quote on your profile. Just. NO.

Ok, the rest of you app-literate youth, you can meet me back here. I'm sorry if that was embarrassing for you. Here at Aristocratic Habits we go by the motto "No Sluts Left Behind."

In my last post, I covered the reasons why you might want to consider hosting a sex party (it's awesome and you don't have to worry about scoring an invite to someone else's party), and some pre-party considerations (make sure you are already comfortable throwing a party, and find an appropriate space!). In this post, I'm going to talk about who you should invite to your orgy.

If you're reading this post, I'm assuming you don't already have a bunch of pals you like to have over to eat canapés and fuck. So let's start at the beginning.

Do you have a long-term partner/s?

Are you Hugh Hefner or Elon Musk or Diddy or Epstein (not all the same, but you get the idea)? They are creepy and untrustworthy and variably pathetic, fascist, and/or criminal. But because they have so much goddamn money people will go to their disgusting dangerous parties, even though we all know they are creeps that no one sane would vouch for.

But you're not them. Thank God. And also, you're going to need to prove that you're a safe and classy person through the use of other things than money and yachts and mansions. You're going to need something much more valuable, and much more available. You're going to need social capital.

Basically, it helps to have a spouse, partner, or long-term polycule, or long-term-best friend with benefits, or even a group of super cool friends. Because the fact that someone has been willing to put up with you for years just makes it that much less likely that you'll turn out to be a dangerous asshole. You can definitely throw and attend sex parties as a single person, but if you want to develop close sexy friendships, well, it helps to be good at developing a relationship in the first place.

So... I guess what I'm saying is orgy dating starts with regular dating. Find someone who likes you, hang around with them for a while, and then be like, listen I'm not saying this was a 3-month, or 30-year long game to get you to this point... but .... do you want to throw an orgy?

Don't JUST fuck your friends

Most people who end up in group sex spaces have often had a few of what I like to call "gateway threesomes" along the way. A gateway threesome is that night during which, after a period of build-up, you accidentally-on-purpose have too many drinks with your best friend AND your boyfriend. Or your boyfriend AND his best friend. Or two friends. Or half your pickup basketball team, or a quarter of your weekly knitting club or whatever. The basic idea is that somehow, often without much pre-negotiation, you end up having sex with someone who was previously in the "friend" category.

Now if you're lucky, it all goes sexy-hunky-dory, and that handsome third wheel is, as we speak, currently reading over your shoulder and peeling grapes for the orgy. However, more often than not these sorts of threesomes can end up being regrettable for one if not many of the individuals involved. When you slide into this sort of thing accidentally, it can result in a lot of hurt feelings. This is largely because this sort of interlude tends to lack the explicit conversations about consent, and preexisting assumptions about the framing of the relationship that help to safeguard that interaction.

So, I'm not saying don't fuck your friends. I love fucking my friends. What I'm saying is, unless your friend is already the sort of person who is motivated to access group sex, fucking your friends is, in my experience, unlikely to net you attendees to your group sex party (and sometimes can lose you a friend). However, it's probably better to source your orgy friends from a group of people going around advertising their interest in group sex.

In the olden days....

By which I mean until 10 or 15 years ago....you mostly just had swingers clubs and message boards (or newspapers! or... sex telegraph. Snail mail! Cave paintings! I'll stop). I'm not going to go much into the pre-internet ways of finding fellow orgiasts right now (although many still exist today). Suffice it to say that people lucky or motivated enough have always found a way to have group sex. Even when it was difficult, exclusive, dangerous, or expensive. Because group sex is as old as we are. Luckily, you don't have to do any of that. You have, so to speak, a luscious spread of your personal locally sourced perverts available at all times, in your pocket. Welcome to the wild, and sometimes buggy, wide green expanse of FEELD.

FEELD

We love it, we hate it, we'll keep using it because there's nothing else like it. Feeld is a dating app for ethically non-monogamous people. Unethically non-monogamous people are called cheaters, and they are discouraged, if not absent, from the app. Feeld bills itself as "The Dating App for Open-Minded Individuals." I'm linking to them above but they aren't paying me for this. Too bad. Anyway. The great thing about an app like Feeld is that while not everyone is going to come to your orgy, there are very few people who will be shocked to be invited to it.

Some of you have already downloaded the app, and are already wading through pages of sunny smiling sluts. Come back to me at the end of this section. For any Gen X or Boomer stragglers, the sort who have been married or monastic for 25 years and are not sure what Tinder is, allow me:

1. Download FEELD onto your device, and go through the setup process. When they ask you for a name, you can call yourself anything. Maybe just your first name, or another name you like? You wouldn't believe how many people mess up this simple step by naming themselves PUSSYDESTROYER, GIRTH VADER, ILL FILL THIS OUT LATER or something worse. Be normal please.

2. Put up some FACE pictures. Pictures with your FACE in them. I repeat. Your. Face. In. Them. If you're a schoolteacher in a red state where they have nothing better to do than aggressively slut-shame our most valuable citizens, I'll let you off the hook for this (also, thank you for your service, you're a goddamn hero to those kids, bless you). Everyone else, get over yourself. If someone else is on this app, it means they also have a dirty mind. Game recognize game. And it's 2024. Isn't shame dead? Where were we... You're going to host a party. You're going to show your face, and you need people to trust you. So, get those sexy face pics up. and some sexy body pics. And some normal pics of you doing normal things, like climbing Everest, or petting a chicken, or eating an empanada, or whatever, so they know you're not a psycho.

3. Add some tags that work for you. I'd add "group" and "ENM" at minimum (I'm taking you at your word that you are in fact considering ETHICAL non-monogamy. If not, I won't be held liable, and my official advice is that you delete the app and start with "Hey honey... so, I've been listening to this podcast. Want to listen to it with me?"). Put in some hobbies. Make it your own.

4. Link your partners. This is my favorite thing about FEELD. The built-in presumption that there are multiple partners in the picture. Add your spouse, your best friend, your fuck buddy. Or no one at all. But adding people is good. It helps to show you as embedded in a community, not just a lone wolf. No one wants to go to an orgy run by a wolf (sidebar: also please don't put that "a gentleman is a patient wolf" quote on your profile. Just. NO.

Ok, the rest of you app-literate youth, you can meet me back here. I'm sorry if that was embarrassing for you. But here at Aristocratic Habits we go by the motto "No Sluts Left Behind."

Dating on FEELD

Now, I'm not here to tell you what to want, or who to date. I'm here to tell you how I like to date, in order to meet lovely people to invite to classy sex parties. Duh Duh DUH!!

But now it's past my bedtime folks. We'll talk sorting people, reaching out, dating, and casting your orgy in my next post. If you want to say to me "Cleo, I'm very impulsive, I can't wait that long, I'll get bored, spit it out already," then welcome. You are my people.

More soon. Stay sexy, friends.